isolation

this whole process sucks. sucks royally. on sunday we spent some time at my mom's with my sisters and nieces and their kids (we had all already planned to be there for breakfast) and told them what happened but then i came home and took a very long nap...i just wasn't feeling well for obvious reasons.

on monday i seemed pretty matter of fact about it. beginning tuesday it was a much different story - first it started with just feeling blah. then weepy, then angry on top of weepy. by last night i was in tears much of the time after leaving the office, including the drive home from work.

i had to stay home from work on wednesday as i woke up at 4 am in the more pain than i was on saturday night...it was a second wave of the same thing and was brutal until around 11 in the morning...i looked back at notes i had made last december and the same thing happened. i was fine for a few days after my d & c and then - BAM! - it hit like a brick wall...i'm pretty sure it's the "post-partum" hormones readjusting. in fact, i'm positive that is what it is. starting tuesday afternoon the tenderness in my chest subsided, and wednesday night the night sweats started again...

when i got home from work yesterday, after crying the entire way home, i had a huge bunch of flowers from two of my friends who are in south korea. one of their husband's is professional hockey player and has been playing for a south korean team for a couple of years and the other's husband got transferred there for two years through GM. they didn't know each other until i found out J was getting transferred and hooked the two of them up. they are now best of friends. and, unbeknownst to me until this happened, have both been through this. not twice like me, but nonetheless, they know the feeling...

infertility and miscarriage seems so isolating. even though there are support groups, blogs to read, etc. in my "real" life i don't have anyone really close who understands - nobody that has gone through infertility AND miscarriages. yes, i have friends who either had kids and then had miscarriages or had a miscarriage and then had kids after that. but, bottom line, they had children - and none had to go through fertility treatments (that i know...). nobody has had to go through this but me in my real world. my sisters and nieces get pregnant at the drop of the hat (one even after a tubal ligation!). they THINK about it and they're pregnant. they are grieving for us and with us but they just don't truly get it. i have friends saying "what is meant to be will happen". guess what? that just doesn't help. that doesn't make it easier. that doesn't make the pain, the despair, the desperation go away...the emptiness and loneliness.

if i didn't have my "internet" friends i would absolutely feel like the most lonely person going through this on this earth. ed and i are very close and are grieving together. we definitely are going through this together this time...last time we both withdrew from each other and didn't talk about it much until a month or two later. but this time is much different. we are much closer than we were a year ago. much stronger and much more a team...

i found out from a cousin of mine that there is a genetic issue on my mom's side of the family (something that really would have been nice to know earlier...). so now i am going to have an RPL panel (Repeated Loss) done which will test for, among many other things, the MTHFR gene mutation (MTHFR sounds and looks like a phrase i uttered the other night...). my RE will do that in the next week or two and we'll go from there...i kind of hope that they don't find anything but then i think again about it and hope they do so that we know what to fix...

at this point i just want to get through the next few weeks and move on...i know i will still grieve, be pissed, and continue to look at the world as being the most unfair place in the universe. i will watch the news and hear about the trash out there that are procreating and think "why the hell them and not us??" and i will still feel so alone in this process even though i know many in my virtual world that have gone through it...and my heart goes out to each and every one of them too...