'nines and 'quines

she exhaled in Heaven

my mother passed away a week ago today after struggling against a brutal illness that started back at the end of this summer. she was hospitalized for a week at the end of august and then stayed with us for the month of september...we had the best month together, me taking care of her, helping her get stronger, and ed enjoying the time he got to spend with her too. on september 25th she was re-hospitalized and stayed there for 21 days...she was too weak at that point to come back home to us so my sisters and i had to make the difficult decision to put her in a rehab/nursing center to help her gain her strength. she was there for 12 days and wanted us to take her back to the hospital because the pain was too much.

we took her to the hospital on october 30th and on tuesday, november 1st she made the decision that she was done fighting and battling - it was too much on her weakening body. she told my oldest sister and i her decision, and as we each laid on a shoulder of hers, she planned her funeral with us that tuesday. our pastor spent time with us, and we called the family to come see her. she told us we would never forget this experience. we told her we knew, and we wouldn't want to. she also, profoundly, told us "you will have a baby to take care of for three days". at the time we had no idea what she was talking about. we took her home on thursday, november 3rd, with hospice with comfort measures/pain medications only. on saturday, november 5th, three days after she got home and two days after she lost consciousness, at 9:30 p.m., she took her last breaths with us in the room with her. she knew it would only be three days. she knew.

it was beautiful, it was peaceful.

someone had told my siblings earlier that day that she would inhale her last breath here on earth and would exhale in Heaven. her last breath was not an inhale and an exhale. it was only an inhale and i could see her heart stop beating. it may sound strange, but it was beautiful. it was peaceful.

earlier in the day my sister asked me "how many times can our hearts break?" and i answered with "i think we are finding out." about two minutes after mom passed away, i looked at her and said "my heart doesn't hurt anymore" with tears streaming down my face and a catch in my breath.

we will miss her with all of our being. we will think of her every day. we will rejoice that she is no longer in pain and is in the hands of God, reunited with dad and eternally happy. she will go wherever we go because we carry her in our hearts with us forever.

with my sister and i standing beside her body, and others in the family in the room, she inhaled here on earth, and with my father and God standing right beside her, she exhaled in Heaven...

still alive

i am still here...i will catch up soon.  after a ton of testing after the last miscarriage, they found i have two copies of the MTHFR gene mutation.  god i love those letters - because at quick glance, they look like exactly what i am thinking. 

we went through one more ivf cycle in march after a couple of months of being on major folic acid and b vitamin supplements, and it failed.  we are done with ivf and fertility treatments.  it has been a LONG road and we are tired.  and in debt more than we ever imagined.  we have taken a couple of months to just "be us" and not think about it.  and just live life.  which it doesn't feel we've done for the past two years since we started this process.

i will be back more regularly...soon...

isolation

this whole process sucks.  sucks royally.  on sunday we spent some time at my mom's with my sisters and nieces and their kids (we had all already planned to be there for breakfast) and told them what happened but then i came home and took a very long nap...i just wasn't feeling well for obvious reasons. 

on monday i seemed pretty matter of fact about it.  beginning tuesday it was a much different story - first it started with just feeling blah.  then weepy, then angry on top of weepy.  by last night i was in tears much of the time after leaving the office, including the drive home from work. 

i had to stay home from work on wednesday as i woke up at 4 am in the more pain than i was on saturday night...it was a second wave of the same thing and was brutal until around 11 in the morning...i looked back at notes i had made last december and the same thing happened.  i was fine for a few days after my d & c and then - BAM! - it hit like a brick wall...i'm pretty sure it's the "post-partum" hormones readjusting.  in fact, i'm positive that is what it is.  starting tuesday afternoon the tenderness in my chest subsided, and wednesday night the night sweats started again...

when i got home from work yesterday, after crying the entire way home, i had a huge bunch of flowers from two of my friends who are in south korea.  one of their husband's is professional hockey player and has been playing for a south korean team for a couple of years and the other's husband got transferred there for two years through GM.  they didn't know each other until i found out J was getting transferred and hooked the two of them up.  they are now best of friends.  and, unbeknownst to me until this happened, have both been through this.  not twice like me, but nonetheless, they know the feeling...

infertility and miscarriage seems so isolating.  even though there are support groups, blogs to read, etc. in my "real" life i don't have anyone really close who understands - nobody that has gone through infertility AND miscarriages.  yes, i have friends who either had kids and then had miscarriages or had a miscarriage and then had kids after that.  but, bottom line, they had children - and none had to go through fertility treatments (that i know...).  nobody has had to go through this but me in my real world.  my sisters and nieces get pregnant at the drop of the hat (one even after a tubal ligation!).  they THINK about it and they're pregnant.  they are grieving for us and with us but they just don't truly get it.  i have friends saying "what is meant to be will happen".  guess what?  that just doesn't help.  that doesn't make it easier. that doesn't make the pain, the despair, the desperation go away...the emptiness and loneliness.

if i didn't have my "internet" friends i would absolutely feel like the most lonely person going through this on this earth.  ed and i are very close and are grieving together.  we definitely are going through this together this time...last time we both withdrew from each other and didn't talk about it much until a month or two later.  but this time is much different.  we are much closer than we were a year ago.  much stronger and much more a team...

i found out from a cousin of mine that there is a genetic issue on my mom's side of the family (something that really would have been nice to know earlier...).  so now i am going to have an RPL panel (Repeated Loss) done which will test for, among many other things, the MTHFR gene mutation (MTHFR sounds and looks like a phrase i uttered the other night...).  my RE will do that in the next week or two and we'll go from there...i kind of hope that they don't find anything but then i think again about it and hope they do so that we know what to fix...

at this point i just want to get through the next few weeks and move on...i know i will still grieve, be pissed, and continue to look at the world as being the most unfair place in the universe.  i will watch the news and hear about the trash out there that are procreating and think "why the hell them and not us??" and i will still feel so alone in this process even though i know many in my virtual world that have gone through it...and my heart goes out to each and every one of them too...

:-( very sad today...

i miscarried last night...needless to say we're sad, devastated and i am even a little pissed off at God...seriously, why give us hope again and take it away? we went to my doctor this morning to confirm through ultrasound...have to go back in 10 days to make sure my beta is back down to zero and then we can start trying again...we have one more retrieval cycle that we can do and one more frozen cycle if needed...will probably start the process after Christmas...

beta TRIPLED!!!

it went from 35 to 105 :-)  we're not completely out of the woods yet of course, but i'm breathing a little easier this afternoon!  once we see the heartbeat (or two?) i'll feel much much better....for now i'll take it and just relax!!

BFP!!!

well, we got a Big Fat Positive this morning! When I got the call from my doctor's office I gasped...I don't know why but I just didn't think we would be so lucky! BUT (there's always a "but" isn't there?) my beta level was only 35 so we are guardedly, cautiously optimistic...at this point last time my beta was 50. But I am trying to not compare the two since they are so different in other ways already... i go back in on tuesday morning to see if my beta is rising like it should...here's to hoping that it does, and that in two or three weeks we see that little heartbeat and can breathe a little easier.... nothing ever comes easy in the land of infertility but if the outcome is positive, i'll take it!

FET

we have two "totsicles" left from our failed IVF cycle...i have been on meds for the past five weeks getting ready to do the frozen embryo transfer (FET) (most ironic of those meds is birth control pills - seriously?  HA!).  we set the date for thaw and transfer this morning...on october 15th, early in the morning, my RE will thaw those two little dudes out, cross fingers and toes, and hope they survive the thaw (80/20 chance)...that afternoon, if all goes well with the thaw, they will transfer them back to me. 

i'm thinking, based on timing, etc., that we will find out on october 24th or 25th if it worked...if not, then we'll wait a little bit (get through the holidays, etc.) and do another "fresh" cycle with retrieval "surgery", bedrest, all that good stuff that we did in august, in maybe january or february...but i'm hoping that in january or february...well, let's just say that i'm hoping that then i will be just starting to have to wear maternity clothes :-)

have to keep the spirits up :-)

oh, started my mba program...was doing really good in accounting and only got an 86% on my first test - boo!  and, even worse - economics is REALLY biting my a$$...killing me - in the mid-70s!  BOO!!!!  this is coming from the 3.76 gpa for undergrad (no, not perfect, but nothing to sneeze at either!)...i don't do 70s and 80s really well...aurgh...

randomness

i'm confused.  God forbid we call someone out on being unmarried, pregnant, and having no intention of marrying the "baby daddy" (i HATE that term).  how dare we butt into or give our opinion on their lives.  but raise your children in a loving household, albeit an UNCONVENTIONAL household, that happens to have a few women and the children they have all had with the same man (and let's note that he is only LEGALLY married to one of them) and we call that a felony?  so i'm wondering what the big deal is with the "sister wives" thing and why they are being "investigated" and charged with bigamy - he's only legally married to one of the women, right?  while i do not AGREE with this type of arrangement, i will also say i don't agree on other "non-traditional" familial arrangements that have not come under attack by the government/federal prosecutors...

i haven't watched the show.  and i probably won't.  but i'm wondering how we, as a society, can allow the picking and choosing of what IS and is NOT appropriate when nowadays it seems like anything goes - to hell with "tradition" and the way God intended that we live our lives.  do the authorities feel it is ok to go after them because they are religious?  because i bet you if it was someone that was NOT, they'd just let it go...so what if one guy lives with three women and their 12 collective children?  but put it under the guise of religion and it's attacked mercilessly...isn't there something backward there? 

religion has never been under attack more than it is now...between what is happening blocks away from Ground Zero to society turning its back on religion by becoming more and more immoral, i am becoming less and less enamoured with the world.  and it's causing me to become stronger in my beliefs...hmmm...maybe He's on to something there ;-)

9/11...never forget

9 years ago today, i was sitting at my desk on the 28th floor of the hancock tower, the tallest building in boston.  the trading desk was just over the 4 foot wall that i was next to.  i heard one of the traders gasp and say "oh my God a plane hit the world trade center!".  i went over to see what was going on and two of the three traders were standing around the television watching coverage.  one of the traders mentioned that the two people that were meeting with the head trader in our conference room worked at goldman sachs in one of the towers so we went to get them to come see what was on the news.  they breathed a sigh of relief when they saw that it wasn't their tower that was on fire....until about 30 seconds later when we watched the second plane hit.  we all gasped and said "what the hell just happened?  was that another plane?" and then it became clear that it was....we went numb....panic never actually set in but we all continued to watch the coverage.  i'm out of breath just typing this - i didn't feel any panic at that particular time, but the panic i feel now when recounting what happened is unbelievable. 

when we heard a report that the pentagon had been hit, it was decided, even though there had been no formal evacuation order given by building management (an hour later there would be), that we were all going to leave and we were going to leave together...our guests from goldman sachs could not get in touch with any of their colleagues.  i would later find out that i knew someone that was on the first plane to hit the towers.  and that the brother of a friend of mine was spared his life.  but his 23 colleagues in his NYFD company were not so fortunate.  my friend's brother was separated from the rest of his company when the first tower collapsed (they were already in the other building and he was outside and ran into the lobby but never caught up to them...after the first tower collapsed he made his way out and a few blocks away he caught up with another company and they watched the second tower collapse, the tower where the rest of his company was...)

we took the elevator down to the lobby and started walking down newbury street, away from downtown.  we stopped in a restaurant that was setting up to open and asked if we could just watch the t.v. in the bar area.  as we sat there for the next couple of hours, the crowd grew in the restaurant as buildings were evacuated all over boston.  everyone was told to leave work but nobody wanted to get on public transportation to go home yet due to the uncertainty of the situation - we had only just found out that two of the planes had originated in our own city....we watched as the towers collapsed, we cried, we gasped at the unbelievability of all.  we all tried to call loved ones but couldn't get calls to go out on our cell phones.  i had called my parents as soon as i knew we were leaving our building to let them know we were leaving and i would head home as soon as i could and would call them when i got home.  i couldn't call out from my apartment until 7 the next morning....

when i finally, around 12:30, decided that i wanted to head home, i went to the T station....they weren't taking tokens or punching ride cards and it was eerily quiet.  strangers who would usually absorb themselves in their books or otherwise occupy themselves so as not to have to interact with anyone else on the T were asking other strangers if they were ok, if they knew anyone in new york.  it was surreal.  people who normally would not typically care about the next person were comforting one another....don't get me wrong, i love boston - i miss it tremendously - it's just that most people keep to themselves on the T.

we were obviously closed the next day, wednesday.  on thursday we regrouped so we could send emails out to our clients to let them know we were ok. 

our lives changed forever that day.  i still have vivid memories of that day, that week, and the feelings of breathlessness come back anytime i think at length about it.  my heart and prayers go out to everyone that was personally affected by that day.  and i think that means all americans.  and those non-americans that lost friends and loved ones that day...my heart hurts for all of us.  still.

angry

i read this article this morning and it angered me http://www.cchrint.org/2009/11/16/pharmas-1-7-billion-internet-marketing-pipeline/.  i am angered for many reasons but one reason is because they can spend this type of money but still charge an absolutely exhorbanent amount of money for fertility meds!  for instance, the list of meds that i posted here and photographed here, without insurance coverage, would cost WELL over $5,000.  HOW can these drug companies justify that while spending this amount of money on MARKETING TO THE PUBLIC?  HOW can non-medical persons make a diagnosis???  this should be left up to DOCTORS to diagnose!!! 

let's not just get stuck on fertility meds.  how about every day-type medications?  for instance, i have reflux.  i have tried many different medications for relief from over-the-counter to prescription.  BUT Nexium is not covered under my insurance and it works for me.   i know it works because, long story short, i went to refill my prescription for Nexium, that i have been using for 18 months with insurance coverage, no problem, and was told that our insurance company needed me to NOW jump through hoops, write a manifesto in blood and give up my first born (HA!) before they would cover it anymore.  retail price?  EIGHT HUNDRED DOLLARS A MONTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  and there is no generic for this medication, that works for me.  so i just now have to take twice as much of something else to get SOME (not total) relief....insanity.

THIS crap is why we need reform.  but isn't it ironic that these big pharma companies were not targeted at all under the new government plan (this isn't a democrat vs. republican thing either - it's a citizen versus government-being-controlled-by-big-business thing).  no reform mandated to them.  just ALL of us having to pay higher taxes to cover all of this.  THAT is what is wrong. 

so let's move on to another thing that ticks me off in this article....what has happened in the past 10 to 20 years that has caused it to be where you are in the minority if you are NOT being treated for some "disorder"?  bi-polar, depression, ADHD, etc. diagnoses are running rampant in our society.  i am NOT pulling a tom cruise and saying that these disorders do not exist - not at ALL!  i have been treated for depression and anxiety.  i KNOW they are real.  i know MANY people that have.  the medications i was on in the past seriously saved my life. 

i think also, however, that these things are overdiagnosed and treated with unnecessary medications.  and i firmly believe that there are SOME medications that actually make the problem worse.  someone very close to me has had this happen.  which leads her to believe that she didn't "need" the medication but perhaps could have dealt with "life" in a different manner.  but her doctor, without much discussion, just wrote her a prescription....AGAIN I AM NOT SAYING THAT THESE DISEASES AND DISORDERS DO NOT EXIST OR THAT THESE MEDICATIONS DO NOT HELP SOME PEOPLE....ONLY THAT SOME PEOPLE THAT DO NOT NEED THEM ARE BEING PRESCRIBED THEM AND, IN TURN, MAKING THESE COMPANIES EVEN MORE SUCCESSFUL.....

i'm off my soapbox...but until more of us get angry about the injustices in big business, and strive to make them make changes, it will all continue....

in other news, we are moving forward with using our two frozen embryos (which i'm calling "totsicles" - i read that on someone else's blog and thought it hysterical!).  not sure when they will be thawed and transferred, but i just started the medications for it yesterday....