slowly the fog is lifting. i had a very up and down week with emotions running everywhere. this weekend we got the house cleaned up a little, did some grocery shopping, my mom came over this morning and went to church with us, then we took her shopping to get her a laptop, then spent about two hours here at the house with her, and have just been hanging out....it's been a good weekend and we're moving on....so when's the best time of the year for an alaskan cruise? :-)
well, we've come to the end of the road. unless we get a magic check in the mail for something like $8,000, we won't be continuing our fertility treatments. i can't imagine going through any more IUIs and coming up with the same results - nothing. and IVF is, sadly, about $8,000 - i'm not a gambler and that is way too much money to gamble with. we've already spent $5,000 to get to here and if i'm going to spend another $8,000, i may as well spend it on something like a cruise or something i actually KNOW i will tangibly have....or maybe i'm just telling myself that so i can justify my trying to stop the crying. i'm back to holding my breath to make the tears stop. i had to actually work from home yesterday because i couldn't control when i was going to just burst into tears. try explaining THAT to your co-workers!
so now i'm trying to look at the bright side. hmmm....and everything on that "bright side" i'd give up for a chance at being on the "dark side"....
wow....this turned out to be a really long story. i apologize up front!
i swear, sometimes i just have to realize that, as i always tell ed, yes, i AM always right and to just start listening to myself....last week i had a couple of days where i was VERY impatient with other drivers on the road. the speed limit on the highway i travel is 70 mph. remember, i'm in michigan, about an hour north of detroit, so the highways are NOT crowded....nobody lives here anymore. so you EASILY can travel at 80 mph and not be passing anyone because EVERYONE drives that speed. well, last week, i think there was a "drive 70 mph in ALL lanes" mandate. because all three lanes of I-75 northbound between troy and grand blanc were going....only 70. and i wanted.to.get.home.NOW! nobody was getting out of the left hand lane to let others pass and lots of people were getting impatient, not just myself. that day, i said to myself "self? you need to settle down....it's about time you get a speeding ticket since you haven't had one in over 20 years and you HAVE had quite the lead foot lately" (hey - can i use the 15 lb weight gain from fertility meds as a legitimate reason that my foot is heavier????)
(sidenote: i will NOT push the speed limit in subdivisions, where pedestrians are (i.e. in town), in parking lots, in bad weather, at night, etc. i typically will push it on the small highway by my house that leads to the freeway (because NOBODY is on that road) and on the freeway where i go the speed of pretty much everyone else...and i have never been in (or caused, thankyouverymuch) an accident....and it seriously has been since the late 1980s or early 1990s since i have even gotten pulled over, let alone given a ticket)
so i give myself my little talking to and try to settle down. then get off the highway and gun it so i can get home 30 seconds quicker. fast forward to this morning.
i woke up late this morning....about an hour late. because i kept changing the time on my alarm. i changed it three times after it initially went off at 6 am (hitting snooze is a tease - 10 minutes just doesn't do it). because we have a sleep number bed. and I.LOVE.THAT.BED....i honestly can NOT get up in the morning. NOT because i haven't slept like a rock all night but because....oh my....i've never gotten better sleep than on that bed (i am not being paid by the sleep number bed company to say this either. if they have stumbled here and WANT to pay me, then feel free to have one of those awesome pillows sent my way. king size. thanks!). i just can not explain how freaking comfy that bed is....i think about it ALL day! and when i get home i have to just lay down for just a little bit to say hi to it and tell it how much i missed it all day. i am infatuated with it. and even said to ed, after the alarm had been changed yet once again "i love our bed...i don't ever want to get up" and he chuckled. because i say that EVERY morning before i've even opened my eyes :-) so i realize now that it's after 7. and i have got to get a move on. so i get up, very sadly, because apache and toad have gotten up with ed, gone outside, and are back in bed with me. all cuddly and warm. they love this bed as much as i do....every morning after they come back in from their morning "run" in the backyard, they both trot back upstairs and curl up again in bed. and ed has to coax them out of bed around 9!
ok where was i? oh yeah - so i get up, it's after 7, i take my shower, get ready for work and realize - oh my GOD i get to drive cloud today!!!! WAHOO!!!! "cloud" is my summer car. she's a saturn sky convertible and she's silver. sky, silver, clouds have silver linings? get it? kinda? my other car is "katie". she's a cadillac. katie the cadillac. yes, i'm weird. shuddup about it....
anyway, i've officially removed cloud from winter storage in our garage, reinstated her insurance, it's going to be in the 60s the rest of the week and oh my, it's spring and i LOVE driving that cute, fast little car to and from work when it's nice out. and katie has to go to the doctor for some surgery (dealership for some work) and katie has 80,000 miles on her and has to last me forEVER so i give her springs and summers off (yes, ed and i make crap up that WE know what the other is saying but anyone else would have an issue deciphering - we should write childrens' books because we talk in code) huh??
ok...i'm having a really hard time staying on subject - sorry....if you're still here, here is the rest of the story about why i'm telepathetic*.
i get into cloud around 8 am. immediately the "check tire pressure" light goes on. no biggie. my saturn dealership is on my way to the office. i'll just swing in and they can check it out for me quickly. so i go a different way than i normally would. and it's beautiful out. warm (in michigan terms for 8 am on a march morning) so i have my window down and am cruising along. with nobody else on the road. and i'm be-bopping to the music (xm 8...80s radio - duran duran was on i believe). and enjoying my drive to the dealership. and there are maybe two other cars on the road. i see a school bus a little bit ahead of me, and slow up a little bit. they put their flashing yellow lights on and start slowing down. BUT you don't have to STOP for them until they are red. and now they're close enough where i can pass them. because, while slowing down, they are STILL moving and so am i. the SECOND i pass the bus i see the car behind me (which came out of NOWHERE) put his flashers on....AURGH!!!!!!!!!!!!
i quickly pull over onto a side street, turn off the radio and reach for my wallet. LONG story short, he is one mean sheriff. mean. nasty. MEAN! he starts reading me the riot act about reckless driving (dude, i never changed lanes and was going on my merry way) and passing a school bus....um - yeah, that's not illegal. perhaps my "alleged" speeding was, but not passing a bus with it's caution lights on - i DEFINITELY slowed down and was using caution and paying attention to the bus and watching for kids, etc. anyway, he writes me a ticket (which nowadays is all done by laptop and mini printer in their patrol car), comes back to give me my ticket, asks me when my last ticket was and when i say 20+ years ago, looks confused and i ask him why. he said he "saw something" on my record of a pending ticket. i said "i haven't even been pulled OVER in 20+ years" and he just walked back to his car and peeled out behind me. he was in a bad mood. then i realized that it's st. patrick's day. and he's looking for bad people that have been in the bars since they opened early morning. and all he got was a 41 year old in a really cute car going a little fast on her way to work. or he was mad because he was working and HE wanted to be in the bar since the early morning. who knows - he was a mean man. have i said that?
ok, so off i go to get to the dealership to get my tires checked out...and i pass mr. mean sheriff sitting in his car on the shoulder of the road. bye! i set my cruise at 52 mph (speed limit is 55) and off i go. i get to the dealership, tell the kids in the service bay "be careful on dixie highway this morning - the sheriff is out there and he's NOT in a good mood!" and they laugh. they take care of the tire pressure and send me on my merry way so i head into work. when i get to work i tell a friend about my fun experience. and as i'm showing her the ticket, i notice that the top of the ticket has the officer's name and address and identifiying information on it. i wonder to myself why they would put all of that information about an officer on there. then see the birthdate of 1983. this guy was at LEAST 50, not 24! then i realize - OMG this ticket isn't for ME!!! the car and infraction information is correct, but IT'S NOT MADE OUT FOR ME!!!!!!! it's made out for a 24 year old man who is 5'9", 150 lbs. i so WISH i was 5'9" and 150 lbs.!!!!
me being me, i immediately thought "oh crap, now he's going to get blamed for MY ticket" and then quickly thought "oh CRAP - what if a ticket is written out in MY name and it's for a worse offense???" so i call the oakland county sheriff's department and explain my conundrum. the sargeant i speak to is in shock that i would call and not just throw away the ticket. i explained that i don't want to get blamed for someone ELSE'S mess up and wouldn't want someone else getting the blame for "my alleged infraction" (yes, i used the word "alleged" :-)) clearly there were "computer issues" (gotta love technology) in that the officer didn't clear out the other person's information after he wrote his ticket...and never entered mine (AND the reason he saw a "pending ticket" is because, yeah, that kid had just been given a ticket by him - so he was looking at the WRONG record and thinking it was mine!). SO the ticket has been dismissed....and boy have i learned my lesson. i'll be setting the cruise control from now on because i tend to just not pay attention to my speed if i'm not going any faster than anyone else. and yes, i also learned that i AM telepathetic* and can sense when something is going to happen!!!
(*in the movie "the stepmom" the little boy is on the phone with his mom (susan sarandon) and he says he's "telepathetic" because he knows he'll see her soon. and i've just always thought that was cute. and appropriate. lately i HAVE been "pathetic"!)
and if you are still here....wow....i commend you!!!!! and say thanks!
all of the signs are out there....i think it really IS here....the dogs are shedding, the horses are shedding, the cat who adopted us and is living in our barn is shedding, all of the snow has melted, mud is ALL over the place (we live on a dirt road) - all over my car, the dogs' paws, ALL over the horses, even in their ears, - it's raining, my convertible made its first appearance yesterday, it's lighter earlier in the morning and later in the evening, the canadian geese are making their appearances, tulips are poking through the ground, we heard the blue herons yesterday, road crews are out repairing pot holes caused by plows this winter (although, with only two "real" snowstorms this year - unheard of in our area, the plows weren't out much), the pool cover now only has water on it, not ice, the birds are chirping more, and, oh my, my mood is SO much better...i really think spring is HERE!
now....sadly, i have to do my spring cleaning....and this year, it's going to be brutal....something i am SO not looking forward to!
i have spring fever...but my heart hurts for a friend of mine whose blog i read, and who also makes BEAUTIFUL aprons and different fun things for the house. april and her husband have just gone through the exact same thing that we went through in december. i was thinking about her all weekend...we have never met in real life, but i consider her a friend. and i don't like it when my friends hurt...she seems to be on the mend but it will take time. as it takes all of us who experience this loss....
on some happier notes, this week the weather has been great here in michigan. the weekend was incredible....in the 50s and sunny. after not getting up until almost 11 on saturday, i played with winter (my horse for those of you who don't know!) for a little while while ed was out on a motorcycle ride (he says it's hard to look tough when you're grinning from ear to ear). then we putzed around and went and ordered my new stove (SO excited!!!) and bought a t.v. for his office...sad that i'm excited about a stove.
when we lived in boston and remodeled our kitchen, i bought a stove that i LOVED. ceramic cooktop with an expandable burner, bridge element, warming zone and convection oven. in massachusetts it's a law that you have to sell the stove with the house...you can take the refrigerator but you must leave the stove (and can't "bait and switch" and show the house with one stove and replace it with another one before you move). and we didn't want to spend any money even going out and buying a cheap stove to put in its place for showings. i said it wouldn't be a big deal to just get another one when we wanted. how wrong i was! they don't MAKE that wonderful stove anymore....so for a year and a half i've been on a quest to find a stove close enough to my old love. and only because the stove that came with the house we bought doesn't work well, i was justified in spending the money for a new one. the oven temp is very inconsistent (sometimes 350 is really 300 and sometimes it's 450!) and one of the big burners doesn't work...it is very difficult cooking a meal with only one big burner and two really small burners working! if the stove in this house worked just fine, i wouldn't have been able to justify spending the money.
SO....i found a stove that is generally close to my old one. and yes, i'm excited about it! it should be delivered in a couple of weeks - WAHOO!
sunday was full of an early morning doctor's appointment (monitoring for this month's IUI), then church, then breakfast, then shopping at sam's club for "just a few things" that quickly turned into a whole car load of things! then when we got home and i was putting groceries away, i noticed that the bag that i was thawing chicken out in had a hole....and there was raw chicken juice ALL OVER the refrigerator....even in the drawer that held cheese, lunch meat, and my fertility meds....AURGH!!! thank GOD that my fertility meds were in sealed packages...there's a TON of money invested in one of those small vials and it would have SUCKED having to replace them! needless to say, i was taking NO chances at anything so i had to throw away so much food....three heads of romaine lettuce, three pounds of carrots, probably three pounds of cheese (we ALWAYS have a lot of cheese in the house), a pound of portabello mushrooms, and lots of other stuff too....that just sucked!
here is to hoping that spring will bring us what it always does - renewed life, love, happiness - and perhaps NEW life :-)
this past month has been CRAZY! just very busy, and because of that, i'm very exhausted....but that's ok. ed spent a week in seattle for work right after my last post and started feeling MUCH better the next week. he's off all pain meds, is able to eat completely normally again and is a happy camper. unfortunately, we felt the need to make up for lost meals during his two weeks+ recovery and have been eating out a lot....to the tune of about 7 new pounds on my butt!!! ya, that's nice! and then my doctor told me on monday that she really wants me to be walking at LEAST 1/2 hour every day....right - WHEN??? i'm trying...maybe i need to stop freaking eating all the time too! HA! actually, with spring coming, i'm going to commit to getting my horse in better shape and starting to ride him again. but he's 20 and i would feel bad, right now, putting my fat butt on his back! so once i lose probably 10 pounds i'lll be able to start riding the cute bugger again.
oh yeah - one other thing that's not helping that would be...um...we found the wine and cheese bar at whole foods last week. the one that you can sit at and enjoy some wonderful wines and cheeses from around the world, while watching hockey on the big screen right there. and then you can get a glass of wine (or beer) "to go" to imbibe in while you are finishing your grocery shopping...their marketing people are freaking GENIUSES!!!!! by getting us a little buzzed, we spent more than twice what we would have! we bought crap we wouldn't normally buy. but it's not crap. it's good, organic food! and i've actually ENJOYED bringing my lunch to work every day this week which is SO not what i do! and yeah, we did have to buy wine also - which we haven't done in awhile...and because we have it in the house, i mean, really, it HAS to be consumed, right??
so it's march. finally. my birthday has come and gone, i'm another year older, i hope a little wiser, and spring is right around the corner. so is our trip to florida. i'm going down for a conference and ed is going to join me down there and we're going to take a long weekend at the end of the conference - a much needed getaway!
wow....i thought i was busy lately and now i sit back and think "really, what have i been doing?" i guess i've just FELT busy! not cleaning the house, taking lots of naps on the weekends, just trying to get through the rest of the winter! i'm now the impatient groundhog that WANTS to come out of hibernation but really isn't ready to just yet. :-)